Posted on December 15 2011

Not on the Menu: Fruit Cake

I’m going to go ahead and continue my ‘Not on the Menu’ list, today featuring a holiday edition.  Fruit cake shall be joining macarons on the list of things I’ll never bake.  Mind you, they’re on the list for two very different reasons!  Macarons are the mystical unicorn of baking – I’ve been told how easy and manageable they actually are, but I don’t want to ruin the magic by trying to figure out how to construct them.  Fruit cake, on the other hand, is something I just don’t want to make.  Not appealing.  Not particularly nice to look at.  

That little Russian princess cherub child looks a little apprehensive with the fruit cake.  Maybe because it’s giant?  I think it’s because it’s just fruit cake. 

Okay, I feel a little bad for fruit cake.  It’s the butt of holiday baking jokes – the epitome of all bad gifts – both given and received.  Suggested uses for fruit cakes include door stops, kiln for the fire, and (my personal favorite) pen/pencil holders.  That’s just gross.  I’ve recently read about whole towns battling for titles, vying to be the person who can throw a single fruit cake the farthest distance.  Yes, an entire afternoon is dedicated to such an event. 

Betty Crocker’s entire quote probably says: “Choose the fruit cake you like best – Personally, I hate it with a fiery passion.”  (She looks pretty angry.  I wouldn’t want to cross her path in a dark alley.)

I just don’t understand fruit cake.  Was there a time where it was a popular Christmas dessert?  Are the coolest hipsters in the world eating it as I type this, just to be ironic?  Simply put (as to not join in the harsh bullying of fruit cake): There are just so many things to bake out there in the world, and I just don’t think I’m going to have the time to bake fruit cake.  Ever.

Now, I want you to be honest – have you had fruit cake?  More importantly, do you like fruit cake?  Have you been gifted fruit cake?  Better yet, have you ever given someone fruit cake for a gift?  Details, please!

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